


Tore You Open 'Til The End

by adamganseys



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Getting Back Together, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 07:10:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12625833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamganseys/pseuds/adamganseys
Summary: Ronan and Adam break up during Adam's freshman year of college, and three years later, find their way back to each other. But before they can do that, there's lots of hurt, awkwardness, and trying to be just friends again to get through.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've wanted to write a break up fic since forever and I didn't think I could do it, but then the [infamous break up fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8596933/chapters/19715257) was posted and inspired me to finally attempt it. This isn't something I actually see happening after TRK, but I love break up fics and wanted to write it anyways. I'm really not used to writing anything that requires, like, plot, or coherence, or anything of the sort, so please give me your opinions and feedback if anything concerns you! I don't even really have a solid outline yet so like, I really am winging it. 
> 
> Anyways, this will be a long one. Be prepared for lots of slow burn. I kind of rushed this chapter because I just really wanted to get something posted so it could motivate me to write more, lol. 
> 
> Title of the fic is from Sorry by Halsey. The entire song doesn't completely fit, but a lot of lines really resonate with certain characters' mindsets imo.

 

 

 

_I run away when things are good_  
_And never really understood_  
_The way you laid your eyes on me_  
_In ways that no one ever could_  
_And so it seems I broke your heart_  
_My ignorance has struck again_  
_I failed to see it from the start_  
_And tore you open 'til the end_

  

 

[Sorry](https://genius.com/Halsey-sorry-lyrics) - **Halsey**

* * *

 

Later, Adam thought that maybe he should have seen the signs. Maybe he should have predicted this. But the truth was, even in his wildest dreams, even when things got so bad between him and Ronan that everything seemed hopeless, he never saw this outcome. Not once. 

It was the end of spring break of his freshman year of college when Adam finally brought it up. Really, he was going to tell Ronan at the beginning of the break, but he was just so glad to be home that he didn’t want to ruin it with bringing up a potential bomb. Especially with how tense the whole break had been.

Adam didn’t know what to think of it. It was true, they’d been fighting a lot the few weeks before break, but Adam thought that they’d gotten past that. At least it seemed like they had, but everything about Ronan’s behavior during the two weeks Adam was at the Barns seemed to suggest otherwise.

He wasn’t hostile, exactly. If a stranger were to see them together, maybe nothing would seem amiss. He was just _distant_. He seemed to take any and every excuse to not be around Adam, even though every other time Adam came home for a break, it would’ve taken a surgeon to remove Ronan from Adam’s side.

Adam wanted to bring it up, he really did. And Adam was never one to shy away from confronting Ronan Lynch. But after all the fighting and the unbearable distance at school, he just wanted things to be peaceful. He just wanted to _be_ with Ronan, without any stupid fights or tension between them. 

So that was why he didn’t bring up the summer internship in Boston until two days before he was supposed to go back to school. He’d applied for it months ago without telling Ronan, and to be fair, he didn’t think there was much of a chance of him actually getting it. The majority of the interns who were accepted were college graduates, not college freshmen. But Adam had tried anyway, and just before the break began, he received an email that he’d been chosen. He could hardly believe it.

A summer internship. Lasting nine weeks. Nine more weeks where he’d be nine hours away from Ronan.

It was late afternoon, and Ronan was busy in the kitchen. Not really doing anything specific. Just opening and closing cupboards, rearranging appliances. Anxiety curdled in Adam’s gut. This was a sure sign of an upset, avoidant Ronan. 

“Hey,” Adam greeted. 

Ronan startled at Adam’s voice, looking like a deer caught in headlights. Adam clenched and unclenched his fists.

“Parrish, hey.” He leered at Adam’s current state, covered in grass and mud from working outside in the fields. Adam wasn’t quite as skilled at the farming thing as Ronan, and could never accomplish even the simplest task without getting dirt all over him, a fact Ronan constantly teased him about. 

Adam rolled his eyes. “Don’t say it.” 

Ronan’s smirk widened, and Adam was so glad for it he could almost cry. This felt like them. Everything would be okay.

“Didn’t say a thing, Parrish.” Then he went back to banging cabinet doors. 

Adam walked closer to him. It was now or never. He didn’t want the last two days they had together to be riddled with unspoken anxieties and more avoidance. “Lynch. I need to talk to you about something.” 

Ronan’s posture went from slightly distant to completely defensive in less than a second. His back was to Adam, and though Adam knew he should make Ronan look at him, everything was easier this way. 

When Adam didn’t continue, Ronan asked, gruffly, “What, Parrish?” 

Adam took a deep breath, and told him. 

The line of Ronan’s shoulders went from tense to tenser until Adam was sure that it was going to break.

When Adam was finished speaking, Ronan said nothing, nothing as the seconds ticked by, as Adam watched Ronan’s shoulders rise and fall with strain and labored breaths.

“Ronan,” Adam tried, because the silence had gone on for too long and it was suffocating him. “It’s—we’ll still have a couple weeks—“

Ronan finally turned around, and his face was unreadable. It had clearly taken some time and effort to get it to that state. “ _Two_ weeks. Barely.” 

Adam couldn’t meet Ronan’s eyes. He was suddenly grateful that Opal was at Fox Way for the night. He couldn’t imagine having to break the news to both of them on the same day. Opal was looking forward to their summer together just as much as Ronan was. 

“I know it’s not ideal, but I won’t get this opportunity again, Ronan. And it’ll look really good on grad school applications—“ 

“Grad school?” Ronan’s voice was strangled, pulled tight as a rope.

Adam furrowed his brows, not understanding Ronan’s surprise. “Well, yeah. I mean, it’s not for a few years, but I was talking to my advisor and I need to start preparing now if I want to apply to the best ones in the country—“ 

“I didn’t know you were applying to grad school. I thought—I thought after Harvard, you’d be…” Ronan faltered, but suddenly it was very clear what Ronan thought. 

It was a glaring oversight on Adam’s part, really. He just assumed that Ronan would _know_ Adam’s complicated ten year plan for his future that required him to be away from the Barns for a lot longer than just four years of Harvard. And maybe Ronan did know, but he hadn’t wanted to accept it.

“Look, that’s a long ways off, okay? That’s not important right now. I know it’ll be hard, being apart for the summer, but we’ll make it work, and then—“ 

“No,” Ronan said, and his voice was so commanding, so sure, that it took Adam aback. 

“ _No?_ ” No, what? No, Adam wasn’t allowed to pursue his dreams? No, Adam couldn’t take the opportunity he’d worked years for? Indignation rose up inside him, his hands balling into fists, fully intending to give Ronan a piece of his mind, when— 

“No, I can’t fucking do this anymore.” 

Adam froze.

It took a few moments for Adam to find his voice again. This fight was getting to his head already. He couldn’t figure out what those words meant. 

“Do what?” 

Ronan wouldn’t look at him. “This. Us. I don’t—it’s not working, Adam.” 

And now Adam was sure it was getting to his head. None of the words that Ronan had just uttered made any sense.

Adam tried to look at the situation rationally. That’s what he was good at, after all. “I—what are you _talking_ about, Lynch? Look, if it’s such an issue, I can try to find an internship closer to here, but I can’t guarantee—” 

Ronan ran a hand over his shaved head in frustration. “It’s not about the fucking internship, Parrish. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. I just didn’t know how to bring it up and I wasn’t sure if—but it seems clear now.” 

Adam sucked in a breath. He felt dizzy. “You— _what_?” 

Finally, finally, Ronan looked at him. His eyes held a lot of nothingness in them. “You can’t honestly tell me this is working.”

“Just because we have to deal with a summer apart—“ 

“Christ, Adam, _it’s not about that_. It’s about us, fucking—fucking fighting all the damn time. Every since you left, nothing’s been the same, you know that.”

“Of course nothing’s been the same!” Adam exclaimed. “Distance tends to do that, but that doesn’t mean we should just—just—“

“I told you,” Ronan said, scowling. “I’ve been thinking about this for months.” 

Adam laughed, and there wasn’t even a little bit of humor in it. “Right. And you didn’t bother to say anything until now?” 

“I’ve already made up my fucking mind, Parrish.”

Adam looked at Ronan, really looked at him. His impassive face, the furrow in his eyebrows. Everything about him screamed _stay away_. It was the front he put on for everyone else, and now he was using it with Adam. It had been so long since that façade had been directed at him. 

“You’re really serious,” Adam said, dumbfounded. “You’re—you’re breaking up with me.” 

It didn’t really, truly, hit Adam until he said the words out loud. _You’re breaking up with me_. That was what was happening. Ronan Lynch was breaking up with Adam Parrish. 

Adam had known there would be many difficult things in their future: fights to resolve, hurdles to get over, hurt to mend.

A break up was so far from anything on this list of future possibilities that Adam didn’t know how to process it. 

Ronan didn’t say anything, and that was answer enough.

“You can’t--,” Adam started, swallowing audibly. There was a lump in his throat that wouldn’t go away. “You can’t do that. You can’t just _decide_ that.” 

Ronan sighed. “Adam—“ 

“ _No._ Look, I won’t take the internship, okay? I—I’ll stay here for the summer. It’ll be fine.” 

Ronan’s face twisted, and desperation just clawed up Adam’s insides faster. He needed to fix this. _Fix it, Adam_. 

“No, _listen_ , Ronan, we’ll make it work. We’ll talk every day, even when I’m busy, and I’ll visit more often, and we can—we can—“ Adam’s voice was cracking now, and he could feel panic fill his eyes with unwanted tears that would never fall.

“Adam, stop. It’s not going to work.” 

“So what, you’re just _giving up?_ ” Adam demanded. “After everything, you’re just—Just because things are getting a little hard? That’s it?” 

Ronan glared at Adam, his temper finally seeming to get the best of him. “Yeah, Parrish, I’m giving up, because long distance is a bitch and we can’t make it work and _none of this is fucking worth it_.” 

At that, Adam was shocked into numbness.

 _None of this is fucking worth it_. 

Adam had been prepared to fight this out. He was not someone who backed down from anything. He’d taken debate classes, and he knew how to present an argument, how to win one, when he was in the right. Even when he wasn’t in the right.

Adam Parrish did not give up. Especially not on Ronan Lynch, of all things. 

But none of it mattered if it wasn’t worth it to Ronan. That was what stopped the cogs in Adam’s brain from turning, from trying to work out a solution. There was no solution to this.

Ronan didn’t think that they were worth it. That Adam was worth it. 

Ronan had once told Adam that he was a force of nature. But even Adam couldn’t do anything to change that fact. 

He didn’t feel that he could do much of anything, at that moment.

“Not worth it,” Adam repeated mechanically, staring at Ronan. Everything in his line of vision was blurring together. He felt as if his knees might give out at any moment. 

Ronan swallowed, looked away. There was silence for too long before Ronan said, “I’m going to drive up to D.C. for a few days. Spend some time with Matthew and Declan. You can stay here until you have to go back to school, or until—whenever. Orla said she’d drop Opal off tomorrow. You can tell her whatever you want. Explain it to her. Or I can explain it to her. Whichever.” 

“Okay,” Adam said. 

There was nothing more to say. 

Ronan looked as if he had something else, but in the end, he just walked over to Adam, covering the few feet between them in easy strides. 

He took Adam’s hand in his, and for the few seconds that their palms touched, Adam thought, _it’s okay. It’s just a misunderstanding. We’re okay_. 

But all it was, was this: Ronan’s hand squeezing Adam’s in a grip that felt like goodbye and then pulling it away just as quickly, Ronan grabbing his car keys from the counter, the door slamming shut behind him when he left. 

In the end, it was just this: Adam Parrish, standing in the middle of a kitchen in a house that was no longer his to call home, his heart breaking into pieces that he didn’t know how he would ever put back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are quite a few break up fics, but I don't think I've ever read an actual break up scene? People usually skip over it and NOW I KNOW WHY. It's impossible to get it right and I probably screwed it up majorly, especially because I rushed this chapter, but, well, what comes after is the important part.
> 
> It's probably obvious, but in case you're worried about OOC-ness, Ronan's reasons for the break up will be expanded upon more. They're not necessarily what he claims at this point. That being said, this fic is (probably) going to be entirely from Adam's POV, so it'll be a while before you find out the details. 
> 
> I'm really not sure how often updates will be. I'm notoriously slow at writing these days, so probably not very often. Like I said, I'm winging it.


	2. holding it together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super rushed tbh I wrote the majority of it today and barely looked it over so? Hopefully there are no glaring plot holes or missing pieces. Happy holidays, even though this is a terrible holiday gift because it's... a sad one, folks.

_I got a picture on the mantlepiece_  
_Of the way that I thought that we'd end up_  
_But this shares no resemblance to that_  
_Yeah, that shares no resemblance to that at all_  


[Sleepwalking](https://genius.com/Radical-face-sleepwalking-lyrics) - **Radical Face**

 

* * *

 

 

Adam remembered the exact moment he had realized that Ronan and him would be forever.

It wasn’t something he had let himself think about before. He hadn’t even let himself ponder it fleetingly, in the back of his mind. It was too much, a daydream and an impossibility. Much like Ronan himself. 

One summer morning, though, about a month before he was supposed to leave for school, it had happened, without Adam’s permission. 

He woke up in Ronan’s arms with the sunlight streaming through the windows and quiet all around him. Ronan’s face was the first thing he saw, peaceful in a way that was still a rarity to experience. The line of his brows was relaxed, his mouth slightly open, his arms around Adam’s waist. 

And Adam thought, _oh_. 

This was what it was going to be like for as long as he wanted it.

He wanted it forever.

He’d let himself imagine it, then, a future full of just this.

He worried about leaving for school, of course he did. He knew Ronan worried, too. But in that moment, there was nothing but certainty inside him that they’d be okay. How could they not be? They were Ronan and Adam, the dreamer and the magician. 

Adam was no stranger to obstacles, but every obstacle seemed so small in comparison to what he and Ronan had.

In that moment, he was too in love to imagine anything that could possibly be big enough, significant enough to disrupt the family of three Adam had finally found. 

Even if it was hard, Adam would do anything to keep that family. Ronan was worth doing anything for. 

Ronan Lynch had welcomed Adam into his life and his home with open arms, and Adam had carved out a place for himself there, and they were together and happy and building a future together, and he was immediately sure that nothing else truly mattered, in the end.

What a fool he’d been.

 

*

 

Adam Parrish was a coward. 

He didn’t know how long he stood there in the kitchen, staring the front door.

 _Gone_. Ronan was gone. 

After a minute, or an hour, Adam didn’t really know, he took his cell phone out of his pocket and with shaking fingers, called Fox Way.

“Hello?” Adam immediately recognized Orla on the other end. 

“Orla, hey.” He cleared his throat. It was difficult to speak. “It’s Adam.” 

“Coca cola! I was just about to call you.”

Adam paused, surprised. “You were?” 

“Yes. Your boyfriend just called and said he won’t be around for a couple days. Told us to talk to you about Opal? Should I still drop her off at the Barns? The snake promised me he’d show me some of those magic clothes he’d dreamt if I drove her back, but he won’t be there, so maybe you could…” 

She kept rambling on and on, as Orla often did, and Adam had to tune her out for a moment.

Jesus. Adam must’ve been standing there for a lot longer than he thought if Ronan had already called Fox Way.

Of course Ronan was putting this on him.

“Yeah, um, I don’t think… I’m actually going back to school right now. Could you—maybe you look after Opal until Ronan comes back.”

Orla groaned. “Seriously, Adam? You two always do this. Not that we mind looking having her here, but you can stop with the add-ons last minute.” 

“Sorry—Sorry, I just—I can’t—I need to go.” He forced himself to take a breath. He would not have a breakdown on the phone with Orla fucking Sargent.

There was a pause on the other line. Orla’s voice sounded hesitant when she spoke next. “Everything okay, Adam? You sound weird. Why are you and Lynch taking off all of a sudden?” 

“It’s fine,” Adam said in a tone that he knew was entirely unconvincing. “Look, can you look after her or not?” 

Not that Opal couldn’t look after herself, if Orla did leave her at the Barns. She may look and act like a child, but her mind was ancient, and she was more than capable of staying alone. But it felt wrong, somehow, to have Opal here alone after… after…

“Don’t get snappy with me. Yeah, we can look after her. Hey, call us when you’re close. We have some of Persephone’s pie in the fridge and we can warm it up for you—“

“No,” Adam said immediately. He really didn’t need to be thinking of Persephone right now. “No, I… I really have to leave, Orla. I can’t come over.”

Adam could hear the surprise and judgment in Orla’s voice. “You’re not going to say goodbye to Opal?” 

Adam swallowed. “There’s—there’s an emergency at school,” he lied. “I have to go.”

Orla huffed. “I’m not going to act like I’m shocked you’re lying to me. You’re not Lynch, after all.”

No, Adam definitely wasn’t Ronan Lynch.

Adam didn’t respond, which made Orla sigh. “Okay, she’s in the other room with Gwenllian, I’ll give the phone to her—“ 

“No,” Adam said again, more forcefully. “I—look, I’ll talk to her later. I promise. I just—I can’t right now.”

There was a long pause, and when Orla spoke next, her voice was colder than he expected. “Fine, Adam. I guess she won’t see you for a while, then.” 

Adam exhaled. He didn’t want to think about the next time he’d be able to see Opal. “Just—tell her to talk to Ronan, okay? He’ll explain everything to her.”

“Whatever,” Orla said, and hung up the phone.

So, Adam Parrish was a coward. He couldn’t even face an ancient eight-year-old hooved girl who he loved more than almost anything in the entire world. A girl whose eyes lit up every time he came back h—back to the Barns from school. A girl who deserved an explanation and a goodbye. 

He couldn’t do it. What exactly would he say? How would he break the news to her? And he couldn’t see her or talk to her and say _nothing_ , because Opal was smart and she knew Adam and would figure out within a millisecond of seeing his face or hearing his voice that something was wrong and she wouldn’t stop until she found out what.

And if he started talking about it, well… he didn’t know how he would survive. He would surely fall apart. He refused to let that happen. 

He didn’t know what Ronan would tell her. He could tell her whatever he wanted, really. This was _his_ doing. Adam’s insides already felt like they’d been sliced into a million pieces. He shouldn’t have to deal with the emotional trauma of breaking Opal’s heart, too. 

Adam inhaled, exhaled. Took a look at his surroundings. Surroundings that he’d called home less than an hour ago. 

In the middle of the kitchen table, there was a picture frame with a photo of him, Ronan, and Opal in the fields of the Barns. Ronan’s arms were around his waist, and his chin was hooked over Adam’s shoulder. They were both smiling, and Opal stood in front of Adam, sticking her tongue out at the camera. Blue had taken that photo. 

He felt the sudden, overwhelming urge to _get the fuck out of here_. He couldn’t stay in this place one more moment without wanting to destroy it. He didn’t care about his belongings. He’d get them later, or Ronan could burn them, Adam didn’t give a shit. He needed to _leave_.

He already had a small carry-on packed, full of stuff he’d brought here for the break. He grabbed the bag and all the necessary items that he could and then he ran outside. 

He was faced with the BMW. _His_ BMW. The BMW that Ronan had given to Adam last summer. The only car he owned at this point.  

Ronan had said that he wanted to let it go. By giving it to Adam to take to school, he was letting go of some past wound, a wound shaped like Niall Lynch. It had taken some convincing - a lot of convincing - but at the end of it all, having a piece of Ronan at college was too tempting, and he knew Ronan was at least partially giving it to him for selfish reasons. It was easier to accept it that way.  

A week later, he’d dreamt a fucking _minivan_ for himself, of all things. Adam had made fun of him endlessly, and Ronan swore that it wasn’t intentional, that it just happened. Which, really, was even more embarrassing than if it had been intentional.

Adam checked the BMW for any important belongings, and then proceeded to call a cab to take him to the train station.

 

*

 

Adam didn’t let himself think about it. He didn’t think about it in the cab that felt very different from the sleek BMW that somehow always smelled like Ronan, even when Ronan hadn’t sat in it for months. He didn’t think about it on the train ride to Boston, during which he finished reading assignments that weren’t due for another two weeks. He didn’t think about it when he got back to his empty dorm room, where he was confronted with various pictures of him and Ronan on his desk, a small dream plant on his windowsill that reminded him of Cabeswater, other trinkets that Ronan had given to him as gifts, unique items that were sentimental and thoughtful in the way only Ronan could be. He didn’t think about it as he took all of those items, put them in a cardboard box, and stashed them under his bed, perhaps to be thrown out a window at a later day.

He kept looking at his phone, expecting to see a call from Opal, her shrill voice yelling at him for leaving the way he did. It felt inexplicably cruel to do this to her. He didn’t even want to try to imagine her reaction to the breakup. 

 _Breakup_.

Adam repeated that word in his head over and over again, trying to reconcile its dictionary definition with what was happening to him. What had already happened. What he couldn’t change.

He couldn’t though, and so he went back to not thinking about it as he buried himself in work and then slept when he had nothing else to do, even though it wasn’t that late. He didn’t have to go back to his job at the café until Monday and he’d done all the homework he could ahead of time. His closer friends were still away on break, and he didn’t feel like interacting with the few acquaintances that were on campus. They’d probably be a good distraction, but he couldn’t deal with people at the moment. Not when all he wanted to do was scream into a pillow and never stop.

 

*

 

He got a Skype call the next afternoon. From Blue Sargent.

He considered not answering it. He didn’t know if she knew already, and talking about it to her or Henry or, worst of all, Gansey, was not something he wanted to do. 

But he knew his friends, and if they knew about it and Adam ignored their attempts to contact him, they would keep at it until Adam finally gave in. Blue would probably drive up to Harvard if she had to.

Adam sighed, and decided to face the inevitable.

As soon as Blue appeared on the screen, she turned her head around and yelled, “He picked up! I told you!” 

Gansey’s voice was muffled from somewhere in the background. “Yes, Jane, we’ve established that you’re always right. I’ll be there in a minute, Adam!”

Blue turned back to Adam and rolled her eyes, a bright smile on her face. “Now why can’t your dumb boyfriend be more like you, Adam?”

 _Boyfriend._ Adam tried very hard to keep his face neutral, even though he felt vaguely like he’d just been punched in the gut. 

Adam cleared his throat. “I—um. What?” 

“We wanted to talk to you two before you headed back but the asshole predictably didn’t pick up the phone. Gansey tried, like, ten times. I told him we should just call your cell first. Anyway, we—“ Blue paused and squinted, moving close to the screen. “Wait, is that your dorm room? I thought you weren’t going back until tomorrow.” 

“I wasn’t going to, no,” Adam said, as levelly as possible. Of course Ronan was dodging their calls. He did _not_ want to be the one to break the news to them. 

Blue frowned. “Did you have work to catch up on something?”

“No,” Adam said again.

Blue stared at him, studying his face. Adam tried not to squirm. “Did you two fight?”

Adam exhaled, looking down at his hands. “You could say that, I guess.”

“Damn. A fight bad enough that you actually left early? You’re always spending as much time with him as possible on breaks. What happened, Adam?” 

“If you’re that curious you can ask Ronan,” Adam bit out.

Blue glared at him through the screen. “Don’t get snappy with me.” Distantly, Adam observed that Blue was so much like Orla that it was scary sometimes. “ _Ronan_ isn’t picking up his phone, and he’d be even less willing to say something than you are. Whatever, it’s not my business anyways. I’m sure you two will make up in no time and be all gross again, as usual—“ 

“We won’t,” Adam blurted out. He didn’t know what possessed him to say it. He was determined to not get into it here and now, to let Ronan deal with the consequences, to not let their inevitable questions make him think about it all.

Maybe it was the way Blue said _I’m sure you two will make up in no time and be all gross again_.

Adam wished that were true more than anything. 

But it wasn’t, and Adam couldn’t stomach talking with his friends like it was.

Blue stared at him. Very slowly, she asked, “What do you mean?”

Adam swallowed. “It’s over, Blue.”

Blue scrunched her eyebrows in confusion, as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing, but before she could ask, Gansey appeared on the screen. He sat next to Blue on what was presumably a hotel bed. 

"Adam! Sorry about that. Henry called and needed directions to the store. I told him one of us should go get food, he's hopeless with directions, especially in a new place, but he never listens to me. What did I miss?" 

Adam didn't know what his face looked like at the thought of telling Gansey, but Blue saw his panic, or else she just knew him well.

"Nothing, Gansey," Blue said quickly. "Adam, uh, went back to school early because he had to study. He was just asking how we're liking Chicago." 

Adam looked at Blue in a way that he hoped conveyed his immense gratitude. Blue gave him a small, sad smile. 

"Oh. Well I suppose we'll have to talk to Ronan separately. If he ever picks up his phone."

Adam looked to Blue again, and she swiftly changed the subject. She got Gansey to start describing their travels, and then Gansey couldn’t shut up. Adam only had to smile and nod along.

After a while, Gansey said, “Well, I’ve talked about us long enough. Tell us about your break. We barely spoke in the past couple weeks. I hope you and Ronan had fun.”

Adam cleared his throat. “Um—it was fine. Just—ask Ronan.” Then, because he couldn’t make it more obvious that something was terribly wrong, Adam attempted a hasty escape. “Look, I really have to go, Gansey, I’ll talk to you guys later.” 

Gaansey frowned. “Oh, alright, but Henry wanted to see you too, maybe you could--“

Adam ended the call and put his head in hands. He wouldn’t cry. He hadn’t cried thus far, and he could keep the streak going. It was okay. He was fine.

A couple minutes later, he got a text from Blue.

 

**adam, i’m only going to ask this once and then i'll accept whatever answer you give me. but are you sure it’s over? maybe it can be fixed.**

 

 _I’m sure, Blue._  

 

**okay. do you want me to tell gansey?**

 

Adam stared at the words for a long moment. 

 

_If Ronan continues to ignore your calls in the next few days, then yes. Please._

 

**okay. hang in there.**

 

 _Thanks, Blue._  

 

He knew he’d have to face Gansey eventually, but at least he’d bought a little bit of time.

 

*

 

Three nights later, Adam’s dreams betrayed him. 

He was doing his best to not think about it, to immerse himself in his studies. He tried his hardest not to _miss_ Ronan, not to think about his intoxicating scent, or his unshielded smile, or the way his arms felt wrapped around Adam. 

He thought was doing a pretty good job. The only time he had to explicitly confront the fact was the conversation with Blue and Gansey, and when he had mentioned offhand to his few close college friends that he’d gone through a break-up over the break. Adam ignored the pity in their eyes and deflected questions as best he could; luckily they had only met Ronan a couple times and weren’t nearly as nosy as his other friends, so they left it alone. And he barely spoke to his roommate as it was, so he didn’t have to do any extra work there. 

Blue had called him multiple times, but he’d just texted her saying he was busy and couldn’t talk. It was a lame excuse, and he felt guilty, especially after Blue was dealing with Gansey for him, but she’d ask for details and make him talk about his feelings, and that was definitely something he did not want to do. At least she knew, and Gansey would know soon enough. He didn’t want to talk about it until he absolutely had to.

But he supposed he couldn’t ignore it forever.

He almost wished he’d gotten a nightmare instead. A nightmare of Ronan spitting hateful words at him, telling him he’s not enough, that he’s nothing, that he’s not worth it. Those were things that would leave him miserable, but at least they were closer to his current reality than what he got.

A dream of one of Adam’s happiest memories, though. That was a blow to Adam’s careful control that was impossible to patch up haphazardly and go on pretending.

It was Adam and Ronan by the Barns’ fireplace, leaning against the sofa, wrapped up in blankets and each other. Adam’s back against Ronan’s chest, Ronan leaving little kisses down the side of Adam’s neck. It was Christmas break and Adam was home from school and despite all the tension and fighting over the semester, it was okay because they were finally together, for an entire month, and Ronan was whispering, “I missed you,” in Adam’s hearing ear, and—

Adam woke up, drenched in sweat and trembling. He reached for Ronan, wanting his warm body against him like in the dream, sure that he would find him on the other side of the bed. Instead, he almost fell off his twin mattress as he rolled over.

He knew it was only his imagination, but he swore he could still smell mist and moss and sweat and something that was uniquely _Ronan_.

He didn’t want to describe the moment it hit him that all of that was only a memory, only a dream. 

It was unbearable. He felt his throat closing up, his entire body shaking. His eyes burned and he felt the strongest urge to throw up. 

He grabbed his cell phone off the nightstand, put on a pair of slippers, and went out into the dark and silent common room. The only small bit of light came from the faint lamp in the corner and the tall windows at one end of the room. It was three am, and usually around this time there’d be other kids in his hall doing the homework they hadn’t done during the day, but he was glad for it’s emptiness at that moment. He plopped down onto one of the sofas, leaning back against the armrest and pulling his knees to his chest.

Before he could second-guess it, he dialed Ronan’s number.

When he was putting away all the stuff Ronan gave him, he considered deleting Ronan’s number off his phone. Isn’t that what you were supposed to do after break ups? 

Adam knew that it would be utterly pointless, though. He could recite Ronan’s number in his sleep. Deleting it from his contacts wouldn’t do anything. Especially since he was in a group chat with Ronan, Blue, Gansey, and Henry anyway. Maybe it would provide some temporary catharsis, but Adam was nothing if not logical, and it simply wouldn’t be a logical move.

In the end, it didn’t really matter. Ronan’s number was still stored on his phone, and even if it hadn’t been, he would be making the same stupid decision.

It rang six times before Ronan picked up. Plenty of time for Adam to go back, but he didn’t. The feeling of Ronan’s lips on his neck felt fresh in his mind.

“Adam?” Ronan’s voice was hoarse from sleep, and it pierced into Adam’s heart like an arrow. 

Adam closes his eyes. _That voice._ He could survive the rest of his life hearing nothing but Ronan saying his name.

God. God. 

“Ronan,” Adam said, evenly. Not at all how he wanted to say it. 

Sounding confused and concerned, Ronan asked, “Is everything okay?” 

“Everything’s fine.” Adam managed to keep his voice from cracking.

Ronan didn’t speak for a long moment, and neither did Adam. It was only their breaths, out of sync, longing punctuating each of their inhales and exhales. 

Or each of Adam’s, at least. Adam wondered if Ronan could hear it, the want and the yearning. 

It was a cruel parody of their phone calls _before_ , where the conversation would sometimes pitter out but both of them still stayed on the line, doing their own thing or else just listening to each other breathe. There had never been anything uncomfortable, anything lacking in those moments. It had been much like their easy silences when they were physically in each other’s company, simply soaking up each other’s presence. 

This felt nothing like that. This silence was loaded, reaching a breaking point. It was waiting for someone to fire the first shot.

“Sargent texted me asking me why we broke up,” Ronan said suddenly. 

Adam swallowed, and before he could stop himself, said, “So we’re still broken up then?”

It came out weak and needy and pathetic and Adam hated himself for it. But his mind was too full of Ronan’s scent, Ronan’s strong biceps wrapped around him, Ronan’s nose nudging along the length of his throat, Ronan whispering _I missed you_ with such love and earnestness in his voice.

It was there, only a moment ago. How could it be gone so quickly? Surely it was within his grasp, if only he could reach out and cling onto it and never let go. 

Ronan sighed on the other end. The sigh was like a knife digging into Adam’s stomach. 

“Parrish…” 

The knife dug deeper, twisting.

Adam closed his eyes. “Right,” He muttered bitterly, then let out a small, humorless laugh. “God. I’m a fucking idiot. I know.”

Ronan sighed again. “You’re the farthest thing from an idiot, Parrish.” Adam didn’t understand what he meant by that and knew he’d get no clarification. There was silence, silence, again, until, Ronan asked, sounding hesitant, “Why did you call?”

Why did Adam call? He didn’t know anymore. 

There were practical things to sort out of course – Adam’s things, their friends, Opal. For once, Adam hadn’t been thinking about the practical reasons. 

Adam said nothing.

“Fine. Give me the fucking silent treatment. After you put fucking Sargent on my case about this.”

Adam let out a disbelieving laugh. “ _Excuse me?_ Put Blue on your case? What the hell was I supposed to do, Ronan? Not tell her that we were broken up?” If Ronan noticed Adam’s voice skipping over _broken up,_ he didn’t say anything. “You wouldn’t take their calls. I had to tell her. And you’re lucky I bought some time and told her to wait to tell Gansey, or he would’ve been at Singers Falls by now.” 

Or more likely, he’d be at Harvard. Surely assuming that it was Adam’s fault.

Ronan exhaled roughly, and Adam could picture the way he was probably rubbing his hand over his head in frustration.

“Okay. Fuck. You’re right. I just—it was bad enough telling Opal and—“ 

Adam’s heart seized. “You told Opal?”

“Of course I fucking told her. I came back from D.C. two days ago and she wouldn’t stop asking questions because she knew something was wrong. You were gone, after all.” 

“How’d she take it?” Adam’s voice was a whisper. 

The line was silent for a minute. “Not great, Parrish. She hates both of us right now.”

“Oh,” Adam said, and he hated how obvious it was in that one word that he was close to tears.

“I told her it was my fault,” Ronan said quickly. “But she—I mean, she asked why you didn’t say goodbye.” 

“If I talked to her before I left, she’d know,” Adam said defensively. “You shouldn’t have put the responsibility of breaking this to her on me. I didn’t want to—I couldn’t—“ Adam broke off, inhaling sharply. He hated imagining the look on her face, the way her lower lip would wobble when she was trying not to cry. 

“Parrish—“ 

“I mean, you just _left_ , Lynch. You fucked off to D.C. and stopped answering your phone and left _me_ to face all the fallout.”

“Hey, I told you that you could decide who tells her.”

“Oh, please,” Adam scoffed. “It was either I tell her or I leave without saying anything. You know how she is.”

“Okay, fine, shit, so maybe I didn’t think everything through. I just thought you’d want time to—but, I mean. You left everything here.” 

“So? I wasn’t going to stay there longer than I had to,” Adam said.

“You left the BMW.” 

Adam clenched his jaw. “Yeah, I did. It’s yours, Lynch.” 

“I gave it to _you_.” Adam thought he detected hurt in Ronan’s voice, and that only served to make him angrier. Ronan had no right to be hurt. Adam was hurting enough for an entire planet full of people. There couldn’t possibly be any hurt left for Ronan to feel. 

“Well then you can have it back. I don’t fucking want it and I don’t fucking need it.” Adam only ever used it to drive to the Barns, anyways. He didn’t strictly need a car in Cambridge, and even if he did in the future, he’d buy a new one with his own money. A new car that wasn’t fucking haunted the way the BMW was. 

“Fine,” Ronan snapped. “I’ll keep the BMW. But the rest of your shit is still here. What the fuck do you want me to do with it?”

Adam stilled. “I—what?”

“Your stuff, Parrish. I can ship it you, or—or pack it up and put it over at Monmouth or something, but I need to know—“ 

“Jesus Christ, Ronan,” Adam gritted out. He didn’t know why those words, of all things, hit Adam the hardest. It only made sense. A couple that was living together broke up, one of them packed up their stuff and moved out. That was the procedure. After the shock of the break up had worn off and he’d traveled enough of a distance from the Barns that day, Adam realized that he’d need to get his belongings somehow. He didn’t own much as it was, he couldn’t afford to just leave it and let Ronan do what he wanted with it. And yet.

His insides felt torn out and set on fire with Ronan’s fumbling words. 

“I didn’t know my stuff was taking up so much goddamn space in your gigantic home, asshole,” Adam snarled. “Put it on the fucking streets, why don’t you? Throw it all off the roof of one of your barns. Burn it. I don’t fucking care. I won’t bother calling you again, okay?”

He hit _end call_ and threw his phone at the other end of the sofa. 

The anger inside him was so familiar that it frightened him. He wanted to throw more than just his cell phone. He wanted to kick something. He wanted to— 

He wanted to call Ronan again and tell him he loved him.

A helpless sob escaped Adam’s throat.

He pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes and breathed in and out. He wouldn’t break down. Not now. He told himself again that he’d been doing so well at not crying, at keeping it all in.

So he didn’t cry.

He watched the screen of his phone, pathetically, to see if Ronan would call back. He wasn’t planning to pick up if he did, but maybe, just maybe, Ronan would— 

He didn’t. 

Adam didn’t sleep at all that night.

 

*

 

Adam tried getting in touch with Opal multiple times throughout the next few days, and she ignored his calls each time.

Ronan had dreamt Opal her own phone the summer before Adam left for college, a model that looked pretty much exactly like an iPhone. When Adam asked him about it, Ronan had just shrugged and said, “Kid are getting phones at younger and younger ages these days, Parrish. Get with the times.”

Adam knew it was at least partially for his benefit, so he and Opal could talk and FaceTime whenever they wanted to without depending on Ronan. Opal had made excessive use of it for the first few weeks of the semester, until Adam had to gently remind her that he couldn’t talk to her all the time and had to focus on his studies. They made a schedule, then, times when they could talk, just the two of them.

Now that Opal knew everything, Adam saw no reason to not talk to her. But she was too angry to speak to him, it seemed. And he sure as hell wasn’t calling Ronan again. 

Adam didn’t know what to do. Losing Ronan was awful enough as it was. He couldn’t lose Opal, too. He wouldn’t survive that. 

He supposed he could ask Blue to talk to her for him, or something, but he was still avoiding Blue, aside from the occasional texts of her scolding him for ignoring her and him denying that he was. He didn’t know if she’d told Gansey. It had been a week, she probably had.

Three days after his conversation with Ronan, his prayers were answered, when on a Friday evening he got a knock on his door.

Michael, his roommate, had his headphones on and didn’t acknowledge the knock, so Adam sighed and reluctantly got up to answer it. It was probably one of his friends trying to convince him to go to some party or other. Adam didn’t completely avoid Harvard parties, but he certainly wasn’t in the mood for them very often, and especially after what had happened, he really couldn’t deal with all of that.

When he opened the door, however, he was met with the pissed off face of Blue Sargent.

And standing behind her, nervously tugging on the ends of her sweater, looking up at him with wide eyes, was a familiar hooved girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Opal and Blue confronting Adam, Adam finally letting himself cry, and Gansey and Henry's reactions. Please leave a comment on what you liked (or didn't like) about the chapter. This AU is foreign territory for me so any feedback helps. 
> 
> Find me on twitter and tumblr @adamparrush.


	3. falling apart

_If you need come build your home in me_  
_And you know I won't complain_  
_And I can't fix what was done to you_  
_But I'll shield you from the rain_

[Small Hands](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmFVoMcQLt0) _-_ **Radical Face**

 

* * *

 

“Absolutely no one here is any help whatsoever,” Blue huffed as she walked in, dragging Opal with her by the arm and not giving Adam any time to react to either of their presence. “Seriously, I can’t believe this is an Ivy League. It took me half an hour to find your room because no one can give proper directions.” 

“You’ve _been_ here before, Blue,” Adam said, voice unsteady, still recovering from the shock of what was happening. He closed the door behind him and leaned against it, staring at the two girls in bewilderment. 

“Yeah, _once_. I have a bad memory. Doesn’t change the fact that Harvard students are a bunch of useless, incompetent—“ 

“ _Blue_.” 

Something about his tone or the stricken look on his face stopped Blue in her tracks. She finally looked at him dead on, and her face softened.

“Hi,” she said. 

“Hey,” Adam responded quietly. His eyes flitted to Opal, who was still looking at him with the same piercing gaze. It was the exact look that Ronan gave him, sometimes, eyes that seemed to see inside him and tear him open. He had the strong urge to look away, but he had already run enough from this.

“Hi, Opal,” Adam said, hesitant.

Opal dropped her gaze and scowled at the floor.

Adam felt a painful tug in his chest. It was not that Opal had never been angry at him before. She had, but not very often, and never in a way that was overly serious. Never like this. 

And Adam had never deserved her anger quite as much as he did in that moment.

Blue nudged Opal. “Opal, come on.”

“No,” Opal said, stubborn. 

“We talked about this.”

“You talked,” Opal said. “I didn’t listen.” 

Despite the terrible circumstances, Adam felt a rush of fondness for the hooved girl, as obstinate and fiery as always.

“It’s okay,” Adam said. “I probably deserve it.” 

He saw Opal’s hands twitch, but she still didn’t look at him.

Adam turned his attention back to Blue. One problem at a time. “What are you doing here?”

Blue raised an eyebrow. “What do you think? I ended up having to tell Gansey last night, and of course he wouldn’t even wait an _hour_ before getting in the Pig and driving the eleven hours to Henrietta. He and Henry are at the Barns, and I picked up this little goof and took a train here.” 

“Seriously?” Adam asked, incredulous. “What is this, divide and conquer? Are you running intervention?” 

Blue crossed her arms and glared at him. “No, of course we aren’t.”

Adam glared back. “Well, I don’t know why you came here, then. I didn’t invite you here. I’m doing fine and I don’t need any of you to come check up on me, and I’m sure Lynch doesn’t either. I have a lot of work to do as it is and you’ll just distract me.” 

“First of all, don’t talk to me like that,” Blue snapped. “Second of all, you’re obviously not doing fine and you can try as hard as you want trying to convince me otherwise, but I’m not going to buy it. Third of all, it’s a Friday. Whatever work you have, you can put it off.”

Something ugly reared up inside him. “Screw you, Blue,” Adam said, voice low and dangerous.

Blue’s face contorted in fury. “You know,” she spit out nastily, “you’re just as much of a jerk as your stupid ex-boy—“ 

“Stop it! Both of you,” A shrill voice yelled. 

Adam and Blue simultaneously turned their heads to look at the source of the outburst. Opal had placed herself on Adam’s bed and was glowering at both of them.

Blue looked as chastened as Adam felt. “That’s not fair,” Blue muttered. “You get to be mad at him, but I don’t?” 

Opal stuck her tongue out at Blue. 

Adam let out a pained breath. “She’s right. I—Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—I’m sorry.” 

Blue looked at Adam, and Adam looked at her. She must’ve seen the desperation and misery in his expression, because next thing he knew, she took two steps towards him and wrapped her arms around him.

Adam froze in surprise, and then hugged her back, his arms circling her waist. She was so tiny. Her head barely came up to his chest. She had to reach considerably for her hands to loop around Adam’s neck. 

“I told you I’m fine,” Adam grumbled, pretending to be annoyed. “I don’t need your pity hug.”

“Who says this is for you?” Blue shot back. “Don’t be so self-centered. I’m hugging you for myself. I missed you, and you give the best hugs.” 

“You only say that because you’re short,” Adam pointed out. “Everyone taller than you gives the best hugs.” 

“Not true,” Blue mumbled against his torso. “Yours are extra special.” 

Adam huffed out a laugh, his eyes suddenly stinging. He pulled away before whatever was wrong with his eyes could get any worse.

He smiled at her. Probably the first time he’d smiled since last week. Blue gave a weak smile back. 

Nervously, he turned to Opal. “What about you, Opal? Do you agree with Blue?”

Opal stared at him, unflinching. Times like these, it was easy to remember that she wasn’t a child, not really, but something far more ancient. “No. They’re not special. I hate them.” 

Adam’s face fell. His eyes were stinging again.

“ _Opal_ ,” Blue scolded. 

Opal pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them. She wouldn’t look at either of them.

“How did you even get her to come here?” Adam asked Blue, skeptical. “Did you drag her by her hooves?” 

“No,” Blue said, looking at him meaningfully. “I was going to come alone. She’s the one who insisted on joining me.” 

A pillow hit Blue in the face.

“Hey!” Blue protested indignantly. The girl who had thrown the offending object from Adam’s bed simply scowled at her, her face red from something other than anger. 

Adam picked up the pillow from the floor, and lightly grabbed Blue’s arm. “Could you give us a minute?”

Blue hesitated. “Are you sure? She bites things when she’s pissed off, you know. She might bite your head off.” 

He saw Opal roll her eyes in his peripheral. 

“I’m sure.”

“Okay,” Blue agreed. “I’ll wait out in the hall. Maybe harass some of the Harvard nerds and teach them something worthwhile.” 

Adam grinned, as much as he was capable of grinning in his current state. “Go do that, Sargent.”

Once Blue was gone, Adam walked over to his bed and sat on the edge, next to Opal.

Ronan had dreamt up a hundred different skullcaps for her, similar to the one she’d always worn. Today, she sported one with the periodic table stitched onto it. 

Ronan had dreamed her that specific version on Adam’s suggestion, because he had been slowly teaching her chemistry while he did his own studying. Mostly, she’d just been interested in how to blow things up – an interest she had clearly acquired from her maker, Adam had remarked wryly, to which Ronan responded with a middle finger – but Adam convinced her to learn the basics first. 

“Maybe the information will magically seep into her brain from the cap,” Ronan had said sarcastically.

Offended, Adam retorted, “I thought it was a cute idea.”

Ronan rolled his eyes. “You would. Nerd.”

Meanwhile, Opal had stared at the cap in wonder. Grinning happily, she kissed Adam’s palm and told him, “This is my favorite one.” 

Adam had nearly teared up on the spot.

In addition to the cap, Opal also wore Adam’s watch over her large sweater, as she always did. Adam had told her over and over again that he could buy her a new one once he could afford it, or Ronan could dream her up another one, but she refused. She wanted to keep that one, she said, even though it was falling apart and continued to fall apart even more as she relentlessly chewed on it. It didn’t work at all anymore, and really, it was a miracle that it wasn’t just a bunch of loose thread and screws and plastic at this point.

Opal saw Adam staring at the watch and self-consciously tugged at it.

Her hooves were covered with special boots that Ronan gave her, not only hiding the abnormality but also making it easy and comfortable for her to walk. They were a dark green, the color of Cabeswater’s leaves. 

“Opal,” Adam started, then stopped. He didn’t know what to say. Where to even begin.

“I lied,” Opal said suddenly. Adam paused, unsure what she meant. She finally, finally looked at him, and he startled at the realization that her eyes were shiny and wet. 

“ _Non oderunt eos_ ,” Opal whispered. _I don’t hate them_.

It took a moment for Adam to figure out what she was referring to, and once he did, all his hesitation was gone.

He enveloped her in a tight hug, and she buried her face in his shoulder, her small hands coming up to clutch his back. Something inside Adam hurt, at the way she held on so tightly, as if he might disappear. 

“Hey, hey,” Adam whispered, trying to be soothing, as if he wasn’t shaking just as hard as she was. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

He felt her tears soak the front of his shirt, but he didn’t care. Her crying was quiet, and occasionally she let out little hiccups in the midst of it. He let her get it out of her system, struggling not to join her.

When she finally pulled back, her face was red and streaked with tears. He gently wiped a few of them off her face.

“What did Ronan tell you?” Adam asked. 

Opal sniffled, wiping aggressively at her eyes. “He said that he—he broke up with you.” Her eyebrows furrowed a little at the words. Opal was smart, and she had spent the past year and a half in the real world, taking in everything surrounding her and consuming enough of contemporary media that she knew humans best as she ever would, but she still didn’t completely understand the way societal norms and human relationships functioned. “That he told you to go away and that you wouldn’t stay with us anymore. He said you wouldn’t be coming back.” 

Adam swallowed, the misery and hurt feeling fresh once again. “Yeah. That’s basically the gist of it.”

“He said it was his fault.” 

“It was,” Adam agreed. It was Adam’s fault, somehow, too, he knew, even if he hadn’t figured out exactly how, yet. But that was beside the point at the moment. 

“He said that didn’t mean that you would stop seeing me.” 

It was ridiculous, the relief Adam felt at the fact that Ronan had said this to Opal. He was so inexplicably glad that Ronan had reassured Opal that Adam would still be in her life, that he wasn’t abandoning her. That Ronan had considered that a given.

It was nothing but a breadcrumb, really, but Adam ate it up as if it was a five-course meal. 

“He’s right,” Adam said fiercely. Opal stared at him, and the heavy doubt on her face cut Adam like the slash of a knife. “What, you didn’t believe him?” He couldn’t keep the hurt from his voice, this time. 

Opal looked away.

“Opal,” Adam said, wounded. “I wouldn’t abandon you. I wouldn’t do that. It doesn’t matter what Ronan and me are going through. We’re—I’ll always—Jesus, you should know that.”

“But you _left_ ,” Opal said angrily.

And, well, she wasn’t wrong.

Adam exhaled. He took her hands in his. “I know. I know. God, I’m sorry. I just—I wasn’t thinking. I just needed to get out of there. I was scared and I acted like a coward, but it wasn’t fair to you.”

Opal tilted her head, the way Chainsaw sometimes did, her eyes piercing as if she was trying to pick him apart. 

“What were you scared of?”

He let go of her hands and ran one of his own through his hair. “All sorts of things. But facing you, especially,” Adam admitted.

There was no judgment in Opal’s face, anymore, just curiosity. “Me? Why?”

Adam sighed. “Because. You’re a real pain sometimes, you know that? You’re too smart for your own good and you know me too well. If I’d come to you, you’d know instantly something was wrong.” 

Opal shrugged. “Probably.”

“Right. So. I couldn’t—I didn’t want to face it. Any of it. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you. I didn’t know how to say goodbye.”

Opal leaned into Adam. “Okay,” she said simply.

Adam looked at her. “Okay?”

She looked back. “Okay _._ You’re stupid, but I understand now.” 

Adam laughed at that. “Yeah, you’re right. I am stupid.”

“Very,” Opal agreed. A pause, and then, “Kerah is stupid, too.” 

It was a sign of just how distressed Opal was about all of this, that she called Ronan _Kerah_ instead of Ronan. She hadn’t done that in a long time.

But Adam so _did not_ want to go down this road. 

“Let’s not talk about him,” Adam said weakly.

“Adam,” Opal said softly.

Adam shook his head. “No, Opal. I can’t.” 

“But don’t you want to know?”

Of course he wanted to know. He wanted to know how Ronan was. What he was doing when Opal left. What he was thinking. If he was as miserable as Adam was. How much he’d slept in the past week. What he’d said about Adam and why they broke up. What he’d eaten that day, and the day before that, and the day before that. If he missed Adam. If he— 

He wanted to know all of it, so much so that the want took over his entire being, and it was precisely because he wanted it so much that they absolutely could not talk about it. 

“No,” Adam lied. “I don’t.” 

Opal rolled her eyes. “You’re the one who said that I know you too well. Why do you even bother lying to me?”

She was really too much like him, sometimes.

“Good question,” Adam managed.

Opal laid her head on Adam’s shoulder, and they sat in silence for a bit. 

“Hey,” Adam said, after a while. “I really am sorry. I won’t do that again. I promise.”

“I know.” She hesitated. “It wasn’t… just that, anyway.” 

Adam tried to look at her, but she buried her face further in his shoulder, avoiding his gaze.

“Opal,” Adam said, stern.

“Forget it,” Opal mumbled. 

“Okay,” Adam conceded, but he took apart her words and her tone and everything he knew about her to parse out what she might mean.

It clicked, after a few minutes. 

Ronan had named her _Orphan Girl_ for years, after all.

Adam didn’t know what she went through all those years in that nightmare, or where exactly she came from and what she experienced before that. Maybe they’d never fully know everything about her origins.

But he knew it wasn’t easy for her to trust people. It wasn’t easy for her to believe that people truly loved her, that they would stick around, that they wouldn’t hurt her. 

Adam was the same way, after all. 

So was Ronan, much as he might try to deny it.

Adam put his arm around her, held her tight against him. He kissed the top of her head and murmured, “I’m here, okay? We might not see each other as often, but I’ll always be here. We’re family, remember?” 

Adam didn’t think about the fact that not long ago, him and Ronan were also family. He didn’t think about it at all. 

“Yes,” Opal whispered back. “Family.” 

The ache inside Adam lessened, just a tiny bit.

There was a sudden, loud knock at the door. 

“Okay, kiddo,” Adam sighed, disentangling himself from Opal. “Blue’s back. You better apologize to her for throwing that pillow.”

Opal grinned, wide and true. “Nope.”

Adam shook his head fondly and got up to open the door. 

Blue was on the other side, looking extremely annoyed, as Adam expected, but what he wasn’t expecting was seeing Alicia Cartwright standing next to her.

“Alicia,” Adam said, surprised. “Hey. What are you doing here?” 

“I was coming to check up on you when I saw Blue getting into it with Brian in the common room.” 

Adam looked at Blue incredulously. “ _What?_ Blue, when you said you were going to harass some Harvard nerds, I didn’t think you were being _literal_.” 

“It’s not my fault,” Blue replied, bristling. “He was being an asshole.” 

“He probably was,” Alicia said. “It’s Brian.” 

“Do I even want to know what they got into it about?”

Blue waved her hand in dismissal. “It’s not important.” She looked at Alicia, expression distasteful. “You didn’t have to tell him to leave me alone. I was doing fine on my own. I was handling it.”

“Sure you were,” Alicia said cheerfully. “I just wanted to break it up before fists started flying.” 

“He wasn’t going to fight me.” 

Alicia snorted. “I wasn’t talking about him.”

Adam could tell that Blue was getting progressively more pissed off as their back and forth went on, and just as she was about to snap, Alicia exclaimed, “Opal! I didn’t even see you there!”

Opal waved at her shyly from the bed. 

“Come here, kid. It’s been a couple months.” 

Opal walked over to them and Alicia immediately wrapped her in a hug.

“Have you gotten taller?” Alicia asked, smiling at her. “You’ve definitely gotten taller.”

Adam and Blue exchanged a look. Opal would not be getting taller anytime soon or ever. 

Alicia Cartwright was one of Adam’s closest friends at Harvard, the first one he’d made here. She had brown skin and dark, wavy hair that reached her waist, and she was almost a foot taller than Blue. 

She’d found out about his break up a few days after it happened, because according to her, Adam was even less cheery and sociable than usual, which was saying something, and she wouldn’t stop pestering him until he told her what happened.

When she found out, she’d simply said, “Good riddance.” And then, “I have a great break up playlist. I’ll give it to you.” 

She’d met Ronan quite a few times, whenever he visited the campus, but they had always butted heads. Most of it was because Ronan was as unfriendly as they came and refused to play nice with any of his college friends and acquaintances, and though Alicia was pretty easygoing, once someone got on her bad side, it wasn’t often they got off it.

Alicia had also asked Adam to spend spring break at her home with a few other friends. When Adam had mentioned it to Ronan, offhandedly, a month before the break was supposed to start, it had caused one of the biggest fights they’d had recently. Adam hadn’t even been planning to take Alicia up on the offer. As if he’d ever want to spend his breaks anywhere but with Ronan if he had the choice. Adam still didn’t understand why Ronan had gotten so upset about it.

Alicia had taken a special liking to Opal, though. Adam usually told people that she was Ronan’s niece that lived with them after her parents died, and they bought it easily enough.

“No rich boyfriend, this time?” Alicia asked. It took a moment for Adam to realize she was talking to Blue and not him. 

“No,” Blue said, stilled sounding irritated. “He’s in Henrietta right now.”

“Ah,” Alicia said, seemingly deducing what Gansey was in Henrietta for.  

Blue eyed the way Opal was smiling and clinging onto Alicia, then looked at Adam. “You two good?” 

Adam nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. Everything’s fine.”

Blue looked relieved. “Good.” Then she narrowed her eyes at Adam. “Now we need to talk.”

Alicia raised an eyebrow, taking in Adam’s sheepish avoidance and Blue’s piercing gaze. “Do you want me to hang out with Opal for a bit? I can take her to get some ice cream or something.”

Adam let out a breath. “Yeah, um. That’d be great. If that’s okay with you, Opal?”

Opal looked upset. “Can’t I just stay here with you?”

“It’s only for a little while,” Adam promised. Adam knew she would love spending time with Alicia otherwise, but the fact that they had limited time made her needy. Adam couldn’t really blame her.

“Okay,” Opal said dully. 

“Come on, kid. I promise we’ll have so much fun you won’t even miss this loser.”

“Be careful with her,” Adam warned.

Alicia rolled her eyes. “Relax, Adam. Who do you think you’re talking to? Besides, I’ve looked after her plenty of times when you and Ronan wanted alone time—“ She broke off, realizing what she’d accidentally said. “Um. Sorry.”

Adam swallowed, trying not to show how even that tiniest sentence had felt like a bullet to the chest. “It’s fine. I’ll see you guys in an hour or two.” 

Once they left, Blue whirled on Adam. “So.” 

Adam stuffed his hands in his pockets, suddenly not wanting to look at her. “So.”

“That girl is just as annoying as the last time I was here.”

Adam frowned. “ _That girl’s_ name is Alicia, and she likes you.” 

Blue snorted. “Sure. She probably only pretends to like me because I’m your friend.”

“No, I mean—she thinks you’re cute. She told me it’s a shame you had a boyfriend.”

Blue’s mouth dropped open. She made an attempt to speak, but nothing came out, and her entire face went red. “You’re lying.” 

“I’m not,” Adam said, amused. Alicia was bisexual, another thing that had drawn Adam to her when they first met. “I probably shouldn’t have told you that, actually. She’s going to kill me.”

“Well,” Blue grumbled. “She _is_ really pretty.” 

“Yeah, we don’t have time for you to have a sexuality crisis right now. How long are you here for?”

“I’m not—oh, shut up. Whatever. And I don’t know. Tonight, at least. I can stay as long as you need me to. Gansey and Henry were thinking of driving up here tomorrow or the day after, depending on how it goes with…” Blue trailed off, abruptly avoiding Adam’s gaze.

“You can say his name, Blue,” Adam said, quietly.

“Can I?” Blue asked softly. “So I wasn’t just imagining the way your face looked when Alicia mentioned him just now?”

Adam felt hot with shame. Was he really that transparent? 

“I’ll—“ Adam cleared his throat. “I’ll text my roommate and tell him to stay at his girlfriend’s room tonight.” 

As he did, he asked Blue, “So, Gansey found out yesterday and didn’t even call or text me? I find that hard to believe.”

“I made him promise not to badger you until I got to talk to you. I figured that would make things easier for you.”

“And he actually agreed to that?” Adam asked, skeptical.

Blue grinned slyly. “I have my ways of convincing him.”

Adam scrunched up his face in disgust. “Too much information.” 

Blue opened her mouth, words seemingly ready on her tongue, but held back at the last minute. Adam guessed what she was about to say. An automatic retort about having to hear about and sometimes walk in on Adam and Ronan’s versions of _too much information_. 

Adam exhaled. They hadn’t even actually talked about it yet and his control was already crumbling. He tried holding onto it as best he could, determined not to break. 

“Anyways,” Blue said, swiftly changing the subject. “I also told him you wouldn’t pick up, because you’d been ignoring me all week. But he probably would’ve just sent you a billion texts instead. Thought it was best to play mediator.” 

“I didn’t ignore you all week,” Adam insisted. 

He hadn’t. He had answered at least one question that she wouldn’t relent about a couple days after their call. 

 **I know you’re avoiding me, Adam, but could you at least tell me what happened. Who broke up with who? I need something to work with here if I’m going to hold Gansey off for you.**

_He broke up with me, Blue._

**I’m sorry.**

It had hurt to type out.

Adam suspected that Blue only asked because she needed to know who to blame. He wasn’t sure if he wanted her to blame Ronan or not. 

“Right,” Blue scoffed. “Thanks for giving me that one small piece of information. Really generous of you.” Then, confirming his suspicious, she added, “I’m glad you did, anyway. I needed to know who to be mad at.”

Adam didn’t say anything. 

Blue frowned at his silence. “I’m kidding. I wouldn’t have been mad at you. I’m not mad at him, either. I don’t know exactly what happened, but when I saw him… Adam, he was—“ 

“Stop,” Adam interrupted. “Don’t. I don’t want to know.” 

“Adam.” 

Adam closed his eyes. “Blue, don’t.” 

He inhaled in, exhaled out. He heard Blue shifting, and a few seconds later there were arms around him.

“Okay. I won’t. But you need to talk to me. Tell me what happened.”

Adam shuddered out a breath. “I can’t—I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, you’re going to have to,” Blue said fiercely. “I didn’t come all the way up here for nothing. You always retreat deep inside your own head, Adam. I’m not going to let you do that.”

Adam pulled away, running his hands through his hair in frustration. He didn’t want to get into it. But he knew Blue wouldn’t stop until she made him give her the important details, at least.

He sat on his bed, propping up a pillow and leaning against the head, and patted the spot next to him. Blue eyed him warily, but complied.

“What did he tell you?” 

“Nothing, really. I was only there for an hour or two, and he wasn’t very forthcoming with any of us. Maybe he’ll open up more with Gansey and Henry while they’re there. That’s what they’re hoping, anyway.” 

Adam scoffed. “They’re stupid.”

“Probably,” Blue agreed. “So, tell me. What the hell happened? I can’t believe—I never thought Ronan would…”

Adam swallowed, wringing his hands together nervously. “I—um. Okay. Okay. Well. I brought up this internship…” 

He detailed their conversation best he could, and Blue listened without interruption. 

“Guess long distance was too much for him,” Adam said at the end, his voice getting hoarse without his permission. 

Blue’s expression had gotten more and more upset as Adam spoke. “Adam, I just—that sounds like bullshit. Ronan broke up with you because of _distance_?”

“It’s not that hard to believe,” Adam said, even though it was, really. “We _had_ been fighting a lot. And this type of thing isn’t exactly rare. Lots of people can’t handle long distance.”

“Yeah. Regular people. Not Ronan Lynch.” 

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Adam replied, defensive. “He made his decision. I can’t do anything about it.” 

“If you talked to him—“

“He didn’t think it was _worth it_ , Blue,” Adam grits out, and it’s strangled, aggrieved. “It doesn’t matter if we could’ve made it work – which, yeah, we absolutely fucking could have – because he doesn’t even care enough to try.” 

“That doesn’t sound like Ronan,” Blue says again, hesitantly. 

“Stop saying that,” Adam snapped. “It _was_ Ronan. He said all of that, and he doesn’t lie.”

Well, that wasn’t strictly true, and he and Blue both knew it, but neither of them commented on it.

“He loves you.” 

Adam sucked in a breath. 

The truth was, Adam couldn’t remember the last time they’d said _I love you_ to each other. It must’ve happened recently. At least once in the past month. He was sure of it. But he couldn’t remember the exact moment. He’d tried to recall it, in the rare moments that he slipped and started thinking about it all, started analyzing and taking apart the months before it fell apart, trying to establish faults or patterns somewhere. But he couldn’t. 

The truth was, distance had made it harder to say the words. It already started out difficult, for two boys who were so unused to being vulnerable, got easier during the months they spent wrapped up in each other, and then college snatched all of that ease and familiarity way. 

They still said them, of course. They couldn’t _not_ say them. But something about saying it on the phone, or through video chat, being very, very aware of the miles that separated them, made the words stick in their mouths. Saying _I love you_ cut up their throats in a way it hadn’t when they were physically together. The ache of missing each other had twisted those words into something that hurt, rather than healed, sometimes. 

The truth was, it was because Adam loved Ronan Lynch so much, that it was so hard to tell him. And he had figured it was the same for Ronan. 

Now, though, Adam wondered if it was something else. If Ronan said it less because he felt it less. If that was why it wasn’t worth it to keep trying anymore. 

 _Ronan loved him. Was in love with him._ That was something Adam had clung to for over a year now. It had become a fact of his life, something inextricable from the very existence of Adam Parrish. The times when he doubted this were supposed to have been in the past. 

When he replayed the break up over in his head, he couldn’t believe he didn’t just say it. Couldn’t believe he didn’t just ask him, _Don’t you love me, Lynch?_  

He should have asked him, and then Ronan would’ve said _Of course I love you, Parrish_. And then Adam would’ve told him, _Well, then, nothing else matters, does it?_  

But it could’ve gone the other way. Ronan could’ve said, _No, I don’t love you, Parrish_. _Not anymore._  

It struck Adam, all at once, how much he didn’t know about why Ronan had done this.

He _hated_ not knowing.

For so long, he’d known every aspect of Ronan’s mind and heart like he never even knew his own. It was surreal to have that map taken away.

“You don’t know that,” Adam finally said. 

“Don’t be stupid.” 

“I’m not being stupid. If he really loved me that much, he wouldn’t have given up on us so easily. But he did. He fucking called it quits and threw everything we had away and—and that’s all I need to know, okay? I can’t—I don’t want to think about it anymore.” 

Blue stared at him for a long moment, and it was obvious that she wanted to disagree with him. But ultimately, she just replied, “Okay. Fine. If that’s what you need, then fine.”

Adam had to bite his tongue from snapping back. He hated the way she said that, pity and condescension dripping from her words. 

He reminded himself that she was being a good friend by coming here, thinking he needed her support. He didn’t, though. He was doing fine on his own. He wasn’t going to pretend it was easy, but he was handling it. 

As if she read his mind, Blue said, “Now, be honest with me. How have you been the past week?”

“Fine, Blue. I’m fine. I’m dealing with it.”

Blue scoffed. “You know I don’t believe that.”

“If you’re not going to listen to me, why did you even ask,” Adam snapped. 

“Because I’m an idiot, obviously, and thought you would cut the bullshit with me,” Blue retorted, equally annoyed. 

Adam just shrugged. “It’s not like I’ve never been dumped before. You broke up with me, too, remember?”

Blue shifted uncomfortably. “Oh, come on. We both know that is not the same thing. We were barely—I mean—“ 

She was right. It was not even close to the same thing. Wasn’t even in the same universe. His feelings for Blue had barely been a drop in the ocean that was what he felt for Ronan. Still, he said, “Same concept. I dealt with it then, and I’ll deal with it now. I’ll be okay.” 

“I already know you’ll be okay. That doesn’t mean you’re okay _right_ _now_.”

Adam sighed in frustration. “Blue—“ 

“Okay, tell me, then, if you’re really okay, what the hell is that?”

Adam looked at where she was pointing, and froze. 

There was a bottle of vodka on the side table next to him.

He could lie and tell her it was his roommate’s. He could lie and tell her that one of his friends left it there by accident. 

He was tired of lying, though.

The room was filled with suffocating silence. 

“I didn’t drink it,” Adam said, voice low. 

Blue’s expression shifted, and Adam almost looked away. “But you thought about it.”

He had thought about it. The night before.

The extent of his experience with alcohol was sipping a beer or some champagne, not even close to enough to feel anything from it. 

He had told Ronan, a few months ago, that he wanted to try drinking, just once. Just so he could get rid of the fear of it. He wanted to do it when Ronan was there to watch him, guide him through it, because he was the only person Adam trusted enough for this. Ronan had agreed, of course, but they never got around to it. Now he supposed they never would. 

He never joined his friends while they drank, but last night, something in him broke. He finally understood the appeal of wanting to drown his thoughts in a bottle, so he’d taken it from the party he’d reluctantly attended for no more than half an hour and proceeded to stare at it in his room for hours, willing himself to drink.

He hadn’t given in, though. He’d come closer to throwing the bottle against the wall in frustration and anger than he did actually drinking it.

Adam took in a shaky breath. His hands were fists at his sides. 

“Ronan was drunk, when we saw him,“ Blue said quietly. “Not—not the way he used to be, but… he was definitely… he’d been drinking.”

Adam didn’t know how to feel about that. Ronan hadn’t been drunk in a long time, at least that he knew of. 

His chest tugged painfully. 

“It’s okay to be sad, Adam.”

His control was slipping. He felt himself trembling.

“I’m not sad,” Adam said, and it sounded weak and ridiculous even to his own ears. “Why would I be sad?” 

“Adam.”

He closed his eyes.

“I miss him,” Adam whispered. 

And there it was. He couldn’t ignore it anymore. Couldn’t pretend it didn’t exist, couldn’t push it away in favor of useless distractions. 

Everything he’d felt since Ronan had uttered the words _it’s not fucking worth it_ came tumbling to the surface, and suddenly Adam couldn’t hold himself up anymore. 

It had only been one fucking week, and already Adam missed him so much that it was agony inside him. 

“I know you do,” Blue said, sounding as helpless as Adam felt. 

“God, Blue,” Adam said, quaking, “I—How am I supposed to—how the fuck am I going to survive without him?”

And it was almost laughable, those words coming out of Adam’s mouth. 

Adam Parrish wasn’t supposed to need anyone else to survive. 

Why, then, did his heart feel like it was about to collapse at the thought of existing without Ronan Lynch right beside him?

He was shuddering all over. It hurt to breathe. 

Blue put one arm around him, but it wasn’t enough.

Laying his head in Blue Sargent’s lap, in his poorly lit dorm room, Adam finally let himself fall apart.

To her credit, Blue didn’t startle at the gesture. Instead, she just ran her hands through his hair soothingly, as the tears that had been lodged behind his eyes for days finally escaped. 

It started as quiet crying, evident in nothing but his tears and uneven breaths, but soon enough he couldn’t contain himself, and audible sobs wracked his body. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Blue whispered over and over again, and they were empty words, entirely useless to him, but Adam appreciated them all the same. He appreciated the way her fingers smoothed over his unruly, dusty strands, and the way she didn’t complain when his tears soaked her jeans. 

For the first time since it happened, Adam let himself truly mourn his loss.

Ronan was gone, and he wasn’t coming back. Everything Adam had thought that he had – love, safety, a home – was gone, too, had disappeared like smoke with Ronan’s parting words. 

But he wasn’t just sad. He was also angry. He was fucking furious that Ronan had given up so easily. Furious that Adam apparently meant so little to him that he destroyed their entire relationship in one fell swoop.

He couldn’t blame it all on Ronan, though, no matter how much he wanted to. His mind wouldn’t let him, constantly supplying him with the words, _what did I do wrong? How could I have fixed it? What would have made me worth it?_

Adam didn’t know how long he lay there shaking apart, but ultimately the sobs calmed down, and he attempted to get himself together.

He slowly lifted himself up from Blue’s lap, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. 

“Fuck,” Adam choked out. “God.”

Blue rummaged through her purse and pulled out a packet of tissues. She put one hand on his shoulder and passed a few tissues to him. “You all cried out, Parrish?” 

Adam huffed out a wet laugh and blew his nose. “Yeah, for now.” 

Tossing the tissues in the garbage, he leaned back against the pillow, sighing. 

“God,” Adam said again.

Blue made a humming sound.

Adam looks at her, and the embarrassment hit him all at once. “Jesus. I—God. Sorry. I didn’t mean to—I shouldn’t have—”

“Don’t be stupid.” 

“Not stupid. Just pathetic.” 

“You’re not pathetic.” Blue said it so sternly and seriously that Adam had no choice but to smile at her.

“Thanks, Blue. I appreciate you lying to me.”

Blue smiled back and patted his knee. 

“I hadn’t cried since it happened,” Adam confessed, rubbing his eyes. His vision was still a little blurry. “I was doing great at the whole repressing thing until you came along and ruined it.” 

“You’re welcome,” Blue said cheerfully.

“Let’s just—Can we talk about something else now? Please?” He was so tired.

“Sure, Adam. Whatever you want.” 

They talked about everything and nothing for the next hour. Blue told Adam more about her adventures with Gansey and Henry over the course of the past couple months, how they seemed to get lost every time they attempted to go sightseeing, how Henry stopped talking to Gansey for a week because he found out he liked Chicago’s deep dish pizza, how Blue missed their time visiting the Amazon rainforest. They talked until Adam was able to forget about his troubles for just a second. They came back after that second, but even the one moment felt like a miraculous refuge.

When Opal came back a couple hours later, she joined them on the bed, even though there was no room for her. Adam tried not to think about how she used to squeeze in between Ronan and him like this whenever Ronan visited with her. 

Blue got a call from Gansey later in the night.

“Hey,” Blue whispered, because Opal was fast asleep on Adam’s chest. “Gansey’s asking if—well. Ronan put all your stuff at Monmouth. Do you want Gansey to bring it here?”

Despair clawed up in him again, but he pushed it down so he could get words out. 

“Um,” Adam croaked, and then cleared his throat. “No, I—I have everything I need here at the moment. Could I just—could I leave the things at Monmouth for now? Is that okay?” 

“Please, Adam, as if you need to ask. That place is basically a storage facility at this point. Mom even kept some of her teas there last month because there wasn’t enough room in our kitchen.”

Adam sighed in relief. It was true that he didn’t need anything else in his dorm for the time being, and it was tiny enough that he probably wouldn’t be able to fit much else anyways, but that wasn’t the real reason for asking. 

He didn’t want to unpack boxes of his things, things that Ronan had shoved out of his home, had more or less _thrown_ out. He wasn’t ready yet. He’d have them shipped to him eventually, probably over the summer when he figured out his new living situation. But he couldn’t confront them now. 

They slept soon after, Blue in a sleeping bag on the floor and Opal next to him, a comforting presence beside him. She slept in her own room at the Barns, but she had often come to Adam and Ronan during the nights when she couldn’t sleep or had bad dreams. 

Adam’s sleep was better than it had been for the past week. He still spent a good part of the night with his thoughts wandering to bad places, but at least there were no nightmares, or dreams of memories past.

They spent the next day hanging around the campus as well as visiting the sights in Boston. Blue had seen a lot of them already when she came here the last time, but there was always more to explore.

They didn’t talk any more about Ronan. Adam was all talked out, anyway.

It was unfortunate, then, when Gansey and Henry arrived on campus later that evening.

 

*

 

On a late afternoon in November, Adam walked into Monmouth Manufacturing with what Gansey would later call “a bounce in his step.” 

Gansey took one look at Adam from his place on the couch and immediately put down the book he was reading. He removed his glasses as well, and stared at Adam with a quizzical look.

“What’s up, Gansey,” Adam said cheerfully.

Gansey raised an eyebrow. It was very Blue-like gesture that normally would have struck Adam as eerie, but he couldn’t really process any negative emotions at that moment, so he let it go.

“Hello,” Gansey said, finally.

“What’s up,” Adam said again, lips popping on the _p_ in _up_ , as he sat himself next to Gansey on the couch.

“Nothing,” Gansey said, very slowly. “What about you?”

Adam shrugged, casually. “Nothing, really.”

Gansey stared. “Bullshit.”

Startled, Adam asked, “Excuse me?”

Gansey squinted at him, as if he could read Adam better that way.

“You just—you look very… light, today.”

“Light?” 

“Yes. Light. Carefree. Like you’re not carrying the weight of the world, for once. I never thought you’d look like that. Something happened.”

Adam scoffed, looking down at his hands, avoiding Gansey’s eyes. He’d really gotten much more nosy since his death and resurrection a month ago, and Adam couldn’t exactly get mad at him for it. “It’s nothing.”

“Oh, it’s definitely something. And you better spill the details, Adam Parrish." 

Adam rolled his eyes. “Like you’ve told me the details about you and Blue?”

Gansey leaned back into the couch, looking at Adam with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. “So it has to do with Ronan, then. I’d guessed, but it’s nice to have my suspicions confirmed.” 

Mortifyingly, Adam’s ears turned pink. “I didn’t confirm anything.”

“It’s written all over your face.” 

“It isn’t—oh, shut up, _Dick_.” 

Gansey’s smirk grew wider, unperturbed by the nickname for once. “Dick? Jesus, you’re even talking like him now.” 

Adam groaned. “Gansey.”

“Things are going good with you two, I presume.”

Adam’s lips turned up in an automatic smile. “I—yeah. You could say that.”

“You’re smiling.” 

“ _Gansey._ It’s really not—it was just… we had a good night last night, okay? That’s it. There. Now shut up.”

“A good…” Gansey stared at Adam for an indeterminable amount of time. Then, “ _Oh_.” 

The blush drifted down from Adam’s ears to his cheeks. He was still smiling, which was mildly horrifying. 

“Adam Parrish." 

“What,” Adam said, innocently. Smiling, still smiling. Why couldn’t he stop smiling? 

“Adam _Parrish_.”

“Don’t look so scandalized.” He didn’t, actually. He looked positively gleeful.

“I hope you two were safe, at least—“ 

“Oh my god,” Adam hissed. “We didn’t get _that_ far.” 

Gansey blinked. “Oh. Alright. So, it was—" 

“If you’re trying to picture it right now, Gansey, I swear to god—“ 

“I’m _not_ ,” Gansey said, his face finally a little red. “Fine, okay, it’s an automatic reaction, but really. That explains why you’re so content.” 

“It wasn’t _just_ the sex,” Adam said quietly. 

Immediately, he wished he could take it back, because it was much easier and somehow less embarrassing to pretend that his good mood was due to getting laid. 

It wasn’t just that, though. Not even mostly that. 

It was the way Ronan had been so careful, so tender, asking if what they did was okay every few minutes, the way he reverently kissed Adam’s hands afterwards, the way Adam woke up in the morning to Ronan’s lips on his neck and a lazy smirk etched on his face. 

Most of all, though, it was the way Ronan looked at him, before and during and after, all the time, as if he’d never get enough of him, as if his world started and ended with Adam. 

Gansey raised an eyebrow, and it nearly went up to his hairline. Adam really wished that he would stop doing that. “Is that so?”

Adam hid his face in his hands. “Don’t, Gansey.”

“Alright, alright, I won’t. I’m just glad you’re happy.” 

Adam peeked at Gansey from behind his fingers, and his expression was less smug than Adam had feared, so he dropped his arms. “Thanks. I really am.”

 

*

 

“Looking good, Parrish,” Henry said, the first words uttered since him and Gansey entered his dorm room. 

Adam knitted his brows in confusion. The bags under his eyes were bigger than ever and he hadn’t bothered to shave in a week. “I am?”

“Nope. I was being sarcastic. You look like shit. Wendybird, you were supposed to help him.”

“I did!” Blue said indignantly. “I helped him plenty.” 

“You didn’t—oh, hello there.” The last past was aimed at Opal, who was clinging to his legs. 

“It’s only been a day since we last saw each other,” Gansey said, amused. 

“So?” Henry huffed. “She missed me. You two don’t have the bond that we have, Richardman.”

“We have a _bond_ ,” Gansey said, miffed.

“Yeah, but ours is better.”

They continued to bicker back and forth, and something warmed inside Adam’s chest, looking at his friends and Opal here with him. He could almost ignore the palpable absence of one specific person.

“How was the drive up?” Adam asked. 

Gansey shrugged. “Not bad." 

Henry scoffed. “Terrible. I’m never driving ever again.” 

“It’s going to be hard to finish the rest of your cross-country road trip then,” Adam said wryly. 

Henry narrowed his eyes. “Yes, the one we interrupted because of your and the jackass’s break up.”

“ _Henry_ ,” Blue hissed.

“What? We might as well get straight to the point.”

Adam took a deep breath. “Do you mind if I talk to Gansey alone for a bit?”

Gansey startled at the words.

Henry and Blue exchanged a look. 

“Okay,” Blue said, finally. “Come on, Opal. Let’s go outside.”

“Please don’t almost get into a fistfight with one of my hallmates again, Blue.” 

Blue flipped him the bird.

“You did _what_?” Gansey said. 

“It was nothing,” Blue scoffed. “And Gansey, don’t be an asshole.”

They were gone before Gansey could reply. 

Gansey sighed, anxiously rubbing his lip with his thumb.

Adam sat at the food of the bed, and after a moment’s hesitation, Gansey joined him. 

It was silence, silence, silence, until: 

“Do you want to know how he is?”

Adam paused. “I’m not sure.” More silence. Then, “Blue already told me he’d been drinking.”

“Yes.” 

Gansey didn’t say anything more. Which meant that it was bad. 

“What did he tell you about why we broke up?” 

He had already asked Opal and Blue, and now he posed the question to Gansey.

He didn’t know why he kept repeating it. 

Maybe he hoped that if he kept asking, eventually there’d be a different answer. 

Gansey visibly hesitated.

Adam rolled his eyes. “I’m not a baby, Gansey. I can take it.”

“He just said that it was too much work. That you two fought a lot and it hadn’t been working. That’s all he said about it the entire time we were there. He wasn’t very talkative.”

Adam sighed and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to dwell on Ronan’s reasons anymore, and yet here he was. 

“Okay. That’s—that’s what I expected.”

“Adam. I… Maybe there’s something I can—“

“No,” Adam interrupted. “You can’t fix this one, Gansey.”

Adam didn’t say, _I wish you could. I wish you could make one of your phone calls and have everything cleared up in the blink of an eye like you always do._ He didn’t say, _I’d put aside all my pride without hesitation and ask you to fix this, if there was a way._  

“I know,” Gansey said, sounding miserable. “I know. I just—the last time I saw you two, I never thought…”

“I didn’t, either.”

“You seemed happy,” Gansey said softly.

Adam exhaled shakily. “We were. Or, I was.”

Gansey nodded, then turned to look him in the eye. “Blue said that you asked her to hold off telling me.” 

Adam looked back, refusing to feel bad about it. “Yeah, I did. When have you ever taken something like this well, Gansey?” 

A wounded look passed Gansey’s face, but he composed himself in the span of a second. “Right. I know.”

Adam sighed. “I’m glad you’re here now, though.”

Gansey smiled. “Me too.”

Adam held out his fist, and Gansey bumped their knuckles gently.

 

*

 

They didn’t talk about it anymore. Blue must have said something to Henry, because he was far more tactful about things after Adam’s talk with Gansey. Besides a meaningful glance and comforting pat on Adam’s shoulder, Henry didn’t mention it.

They spent the night walking and driving around Cambridge and Boston, and then talking for hours in Adam’s tiny dorm.

It almost felt like old times.

 

* 

When it was time to say goodbye, Adam crouched down to Opal’s height, and then he hugged her tighter than he ever has before.

“I’m going to miss you,” Adam said, softly.

“Me too,” Opal mumbled into his shoulder, voice wavering.

He pulled back and kissed her forehead. “I don’t know when we’ll get to see each other again. But I’ll try to make it as soon as I possibly can, okay?”

“Okay.”

Blue, Henry, and Gansey were going to drop her back to the Barns and then continue on their way. Adam didn’t want her to go. He didn’t want any of them to go. But he didn’t have a choice.

Adam hugged Blue next. “Thanks for everything, Blue. I…” Adam tried to swallow the sudden lump in his throat. “I really appreciate it.” 

“If you need to cry again, I’m just a phone call away,” Blue whispered in his hearing ear. 

Adam winced a little at the reminder of his unseemly breakdown. “I know.” 

Adam and Gansey fist bumped, and Henry told him to have sex with a stranger to forget his troubles. 

“It works every time,” Henry said somberly. 

When they left, Adam laid down on his bed and let the loneliness wash over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where is Adam's roommate? Who knows, doing his own thing on campus somewhere. I can only handle adding one badly written OC at a time. 
> 
> FYI, "Small Hands" is the most Pynch song ever and I've been crying it about it a lot, but I thought it worked well for Adam/Blue and Adam/Opal in this chapter. 
> 
> Super sorry if this chapter was boring. I promise Ronan will be making an appearance in the next chapter, and there will be a time jump. It might be a while before an update, though. I am also terrible at proofreading my own work so let me know if there are any glaring continuity errors or whatever. Please leave a comment if you liked it or have any criticisms!

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter and tumblr @adamparrush.


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